View Full Forums : The DUCK Conspiracy


Scirocco
09-16-2001, 08:34 AM
Our conspiracy has gone on for too long and it has finally been uncovered by the Normals. It's time to fess up. Yes, we the Druids of Norrath have been in a conspiracy with Verant Interactive, Sony Online Entertainment, Microsoft, Disney, the Catholic Church, UUNet, the Masons, Ford Motor Company, and your ISP for the past few years. It has been the goal of this conspiracy to ruin the game play of every non-Druid in EQ, get ph4t l3wt for the Druid army, create a master race of dr00dz, and steal the formula for Coke Classic. We have thus far succeeded with everything but the Coke deal, however there is a guy who will trade it to multi-quest Jboots for him -- Someone get on that please.

I would like to apologize on behalf of the Druid Universal Conspiracy to Kill, AKA DUCK, for the following:

- KS’ing that fire beetle from you in west commons when you were level 1.
Hey, it was dark and we thought you needed help. Yes, I know that a 49th level Druid could cast Greater Heal just as easily as Starfire, but we Druids all forgot how to heal around level 20.

- Getting Clerics nerfed into uselessness, along with Warriors, Necromancers, Wizards, Mages, Enchanters, Rogues and Rangers. It was a drunken bet and we didn't think they'd actually do it.

- Training those fifteen hill giants over you in the Rathe Mountains. After all if you don't want to fight, you shouldn't sit in the far back corner, up against the wall, where nobody can find you, it was hard enough getting all of those giants to aggro on you in the first place...

- Taking your spot in the orc group when you were level 10. While it's not our fault that your class sucks, we do occasionally feed pizzas and nachos laced with morphine to the Verant staff but that is only to keep them under our power.

- World War II. -- Sorry, don't know what happened here. Give one newbie a Skin Like Nature and next thing you know he's invading Poland.

- Global warming. It's a well-known fact that quad-kiting causes global warming. All those Druids running around at high speed has thrown the planet off balance and it is slowly moving towards the sun. Don't worry, if we get too close, we'll all just run in the opposite direction for a while.

- The DOT related corpse poofing bug. If we can't get the loot, then you can't either. We have a secret look-ahead algorithm that determines if we would have won the /random for the drop. In the event of a predicted loss, screw you mode is engaged and DOT’s start flying.

- World hunger. Sure we could take all this foraged food we don't want and give it to those starving kids in Africa, but it will take at least five minutes to port there and back. We don't want to lose our shot at the FBSS if it drops just then...

- World War I. OK, it is COMPLETELY not our fault that Archduke Ferdinand could not get a port and had to walk. How were we supposed to know he would get jumped and ganked by PK’ers? I think wizards should share the blame here, but they refuse to fess up. Hindsight shows us that we could have helped avoid a lot of trouble though.

- Original Sin. Heh, that's a good story. It wasn't actually a snake; we made that up to cover for us. It was a Druid in tree-form who just wanted to have some fun with a couple of n00bs. How were we supposed to know that they were going to get /petitioned? Honest mistake, won't happen again.

- Alien Abduction. Nope, that's all a sham too. We port into the middle of nowhere, see if some unsuspecting lowbie wants a quick port home and then leave them on Rigel 7. We made up that UFO thing cause the GMs were getting on to us.

-Richard Nixon. -- What were we thinking?

- The Decline of Western Civilization. In truth, this really isn't our fault. It's just a combination of all the other things we've done, compounded by corporate greed, human indifference, general moral decay and rap music. Might as well take the blame for this one though, we've got nothing better to do.

Again, I would like to apologize you on behalf of the DUCK. If, in the future, any further wrongdoings by Druids come to light we will be apologizing for them here. We've done so much that we just plum can't keep track of it all and our bookkeeping is terrible, as you might expect.