This is just pure awesome writing! Very descriptive and dark though! The Onion is the finest news source like ever!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29674

Heh, "sudden defenestration"...

law enforcement personnel have reported observing bouncing, rolling severed heads blinking their eyes and gasping for air as if attempting to speak minutes after separation from the torso on more than one occasion

ROFL:rolling: